The constant voice in my head continues to echo around the four walls of my bathroom. My feet seem to be numb to the cold floor and the chills have spread all through my skin. My blood gushing warm but I don’t feel a thing. None of this is new but this routine anxiety remains ever so haunting because of the sexual trauma.
I’ve had my fingers run through my hair, travel down my neck, trying to remind me of at least one good memory but as I fail in my attempts and I feel parts that have gone painfully numb since the day, my face gets wet.
In moments where you let your mind consume you, you feel all too much or nothing at all. There are plenty around to help you or rush to your aid with on matters they know nothing about. One such being, feel it, relive whatever it is and try to let it go. So far, I’ve been stuck on just the former bit of that crappy idea.
And while I sit and drown in misery, my mind goes through everything I have to do tomorrow, all the work I’ve signed up for to distract myself, my cat who’s on the sofa, all the dishes I have to do, that men who looked at me today, the scared dog on the street, every single bit of detail that I wish I didn’t have to ponder over and over on.
Diverting Attention Elsewhere
Luckily my meditation app goes ‘Ting’. I can now start pretending to have complete control over myself and my thoughts. I start with gently stroking my cat and then slowly moving towards the fridge to grab some sugar as my scream slowly dies inside my head. In these moments of suffocating silence, my brains pull in the cord for Irrational crying. So, this means that I may get into rage, fear, and sadness washing away from my core. I can feel the tension tingling down my spine and over my head as I let the tears flow down my body. This was the beginning of my development after a sexual assault. I needed to control how and what I felt.
What I’ve Learned From Sexual Trauma
Something I’ve understood in dealing with incidents that shake you from within is that one can never truly deal with anything the right way. Every big incident you go through, changes you, much like glass, you’re broken but that doesn’t mean that when light hits, you wouldn’t glow. Stuff like this shakes your beliefs, your self-identity, your gaze, and your energy. its claws in deep and takes a part of you that you may easily hide but it’s a wound that hurts every ticking second.
Self-absorbed is yet another trauma that many people suffer. The thought of ‘Why does this only happen to me’ seems to hit all of us. Even though it happens many a time for us, we may not be able to provide a cosmic explanation. This isn’t your karma. It is so obvious that we may feel we did something wrong, or because we do not deserve it. Life teaches you that. Give it time.
Beyond the Sexual Trauma
Your fundamental ideas make you the person you are. And traumatizing events lead to a shift in this, which also, essentially turn you authentic. It is necessary to learn how and what to think when we feel scared, lonely and super private. Control of your mind is a bit farfetched but knowing how you feel and why you feel it, that small moment of awareness right there? That’s your moment of complete and absolute intimacy. Find that and cherish it, share it even. Don’t let a bad chapter define you.